Have you ever clicked on one of those articles titled “How to Love Your Job”? Did you hate it? Yeah, me too. It might just be me, but if you find yourself Googling “I hate my job” on the train home, you should probably just get another job. You’re not in Hell yet, why settle preemptively?
I wasn’t really looking for practical advice, I just wanted some relief from the tedium.
If you haven’t already guessed, I hate my job. I’ve also had a bad day.
Here’s what I really wanted to hear.
How to Love Your Job (Even when you don’t)
- Follow your dreams. This might sound cliché… and that’s because it is! Did you dream of being a mild-mannered, part time, virtual receptionist when you were a little girl? Hell no! You wanted to be a sentient, fire-breathing bowl of popcorn! Be that fiery snack, girl! Get some popcorn, a large bowl or bathtub, some petrol and a mechanism to control it…
- Make small changes – Change is as good as a holiday, right? WRONG! Moving my plastic, solar-powered dancing desk ornament from the left of my desk to the right DOES NOT bring me the same joy as being brought a three layered cocktail by a ripped Hawaiian dude on the beach! Move it from the left to the right. Then move it to the top of your monitor. Then move it through a closed window… from the other side of the room. It’s only holding you back.
- Declutter your office. Start with the scraps of paper you’ve been doodling on for the last five minutes as Mabel from Woop Woop has been describing in vivid detail the exact Pantone colour of the water scum in her bathtub that she needs cleaned, like, yesterday. Next, through the same jagged hole your desk ornament flew to freedom, casually (but swiftly, your manager gets back from her smoke break in three minutes) slide your keyboard, mouse, computer, desk and really any other office supplies you have straight out the window. Watch it fly for a few seconds, it’s beautiful. Throw Craig’s motivational post-it’s out too. He’ll never tell you “A smile can be heard through the phone, you know” again, because he’s terrified of you and/or being set on fire. Silly Craig.
- Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. This one’s easy. Throw your pencil skirt, old-lady blouse, headache causing hair tie, and blister inducing heels on a pile in the middle of the office, light a match by breathing fire onto it and set the pile alight. The match is more or less perfunctory, because you are dragon-popcorn, but it’s symbolic and adds flair. Now you should be a naked, flaming bowl of charring popcorn with fiery locks blowing in the smoke plumes of your oppressors!
- Focus on what you’re good at. At this point, there’s no phone for you to pick up, and no callers to attend to because you’ve burnt char marks in the shape of a middle finger into the server, so spread those salty wings and launch yourself into the open sky. You’ve earned it.