Virtual Receptionist

Hello, welcome to the Fridge Store

This is Shannon speaking

By the tone of my voice can you tell my boredom’s peaking?

 

You’d like to speak to Mr Dobridge?

Well I don’t know who he is

And I’m useless because I can’t tell you the best models and types of a fridge?

 

You’ve called Blah Blah Insurance

What’s that? You’d like some assurance?

That the dragging bumper on the back of your car isn’t going for your bank balance?

What’s your policy number?

I don’t know why I need it!

No, I don’t know what to do if your car has now rolled into a pit!

 

I’m a virtual receptionist

About as much use as a sweater vest

I don’t know the answers to your questions even at the best of it

I don’t know who you are or who you’re looking for

Please just leave a message or throw a one tied to a rock at the door

Just pretending the day away to absolutely no ones benefit

 

Could I have your postcode to connect you to your nearest store?

No, NO, please no, I don’t need any more!

But your words pour, and I snore, and you tore your floor boards and now need a matching door.
I transfer you mid-lore

As your story’s giving me an ear tumour

 

I drew a loading bar in the margin of my screen

And I colour it in square by square as the clock turns more and more green

I said Tom’s not available

For now, that inflatable flamingo’s un-saleable

And you’ll just have to wait and call back again for someone actually willing (and able)

 

It’s lunchtime!

And I just dropped my lo mein

What a pity

I feel shitty

That was the highlight of my day

 

I’m a virtual receptionist

About as wanted as a mad wasp nest

I do not know the answers to your questions even at the best of it

I don’t know who you are or have any idea who you’re looking for

Please just leave a message or throw a one tied to a rock at the door

Just pretending the day away to absolutely no ones benefit

 

The last two hours of my shift

Is like getting stuck in a time rift

A supremely boring black hole of questions

Like a two hour movie about the construction of a ski lift

 

I’m a virtual receptionist

About as much use as a my aunt Celeste

(one could say she’s not the best)

You’re better off calling later

Or giving their mobile a test

Just please stop calling.

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